we live in a beautiful world

Larry and Corrina Johnson took their children on a trip this summer. No, they didn’t visit Mt. Rushmore or the Grand Canyon. In fact, the Johnson family never left home. The trip their children experienced was delivered at the kitchen table. They received a full blown, all expenses paid, guilt trip delivered by Larry Johnson and lovingly supported by his wife, Corinna.

“You ought to be ashamed of yourselves,” Larry said to his nine-year old twins to begin their summer excursion down guilt trip lane. “You haven’t done anything of value all summer. All you do is lay around watching television, eating junk food, and leaving messes in the family room. Your poor mother works her fingers to the bone cleaning up after you. Don’t you have any respect or level of feeling for your mother? If you do, you don’t show it. She’s a good woman and doesn’t deserve to be treated the way you treat her. Do you see her gray hairs? Where do you suppose those come from? You’re going to be the death or your mother the way you ignore her efforts. She loves you so much and you treat her like she’s invisible. If anything ever happened to her, you’d be sorry. She’s not going to be around forever you know. Sometimes she can’t sleep at night from worrying about you two. I hope you’re proud of yourselves because I’m not. Now, I expect to see a radical change in your behavior starting right now. Go over and give your mother a hug and show her how much you love her. Go on, do it now.”

Larry Johnson did what a lot of parents do to manipulate their children into behaving in a desired fashion. He dispensed a huge dose of guilt.

Parents who use shame and guilt as a motivator do so because they believe that the technique is needed to encourage children to change. The idea is that if children can be shamed into feeling guilty, they will change their behavior and do what their parents desire.

There are times when shaming works and produces the behavior we want from out children. But at what price? Children who are shamed regularly come to believe that the shame is justified, that they must have earned it, and that they deserve it. They develop such core beliefs as “I’m no good,” “I’m not enough,” “I’m wrong,” and “I’m not worthwhile.” Children who have these core beliefs see themselves as shameful and act in accordance with their beliefs.

This negative belief system tends to attract increased shaming from the significant adults in their lives, which reinforces their negative core beliefs. These children often get caught up in a self-depreciating cycle of behaviors and parental responses that is difficult to exit.

Shame and guilt often backfire. Their use produces resistance and resentment. Children realize on some level they are being manipulated, pushed, and controlled by parent talk that shames. Manipulation breeds resentment. Pushing calls forth pushing back. Control is resented.

Parents who use shame in an effort to dispense guilt don’t always do it as blatantly as Larry Johnson did with his twins. Parents often do guilt tripping so subtly that they are unaware that their parent talk is shame based. If you are using any of the following parent talk with your children, you are inserting shame into your language patterns.

“You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

“That will make me feel bad.”

“What will the neighbors think?”

“I can’t sleep at night worrying about you.”

“Someone who loves their mother (father) would never do that.”

“Jesus wouldn’t like that.”

“You should know better.”

“And you call yourself a Christian (Mormon, Jew, Muslim, Methodist, Baptist, etc.).”

“Your behavior gives me headaches.”

“God sees everything you do.”

“You’ve really disappointed your grandmother.”

“How would you feel if no one sent you a birthday card?”

If you hear yourself using any of the sentences above, there is an alternative.

Instead of dispensing a shame-based communication, use a style of parent talk that is open, honest, and direct. Present choices to your children. Explain what happens if they choose a certain behavior and what happens if they don’t. Allow them to choose and then experience the legitimate consequences of their behavior. Children learn more from a caring adult who helps them to evaluate their choices and the results that follow than they do from one who shames and continually lays guilt.

If you have strong feelings about a behavior or desired response, tell the child directly. Explain the reasons for your feelings. Step out of the resistance-resentment cycle by telling children exactly what you expect and why.

“I’m angry about the broken window, and you will need to find a way to pay for it” is more effective than “You should have known better.” “Looks like you have chosen to work with a tutor this marking period. The two D’s demonstrate that you can use some extra time and help in those subjects” is healthier than the guilt-laying “You really disappointed us with this report card.”

Refuse to be one of those parents who cause children to feel shame and guilt for their actions. Communicate honestly without sneaking shame into the equation. Stay centered in your efforts to create respectful, responsible children by modeling those attributes in your behavior and in your parent talk.

Covert Intimidation–Aggressors frequently threaten their victims to keep them anxious, apprehensive and in a one-down position. Covert-aggressives intimidate their victims by making veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats. Guilt-tripping and shaming are two of the covert-aggressive’s favourite weapons. Both are special intimidation tactics.

Guilt-tripping – One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position.

Many people who use guilt trips will just end the conversation. They will walk away or say something direct and controlling like “This conversation is over” or “I don’t want to talk about it anymore”. They will probably use their way of ending the conversation by trying again to make you feel guilty. For example they may say “There is no point in trying to talk to you.. ” or “You are impossible to talk to.” “You don’t care how I feel!”

The Middle Seat: How Savvy Fliers Make the Most Of Their Miles
Scott McCartney.  Wall Street Journal.  (Eastern Edition). New York, N.Y.:Dec 16, 2008.  p. D.1

Abstract (Summary)

For a Chicago-Frankfurt trip next month on UAL Corp.’s United Airlines, you can buy a coach ticket as low as $697 or a business-class ticket for $5,624. Companies have restricted travel expenses and forced more business travelers to ride in the coach cabin, so airlines are selling fewer business-class and first-class seats.

Airlines say the most-frequently used frequent-flier award is the basic domestic coach ticket. But that’s also the award with the lowest value per mile for consumers.

Savvy travelers do better: The secret is to upgrade.

On average, experts say, consumers are getting only about 1.2 cents per frequent-flier mile when they cash in awards. But you can stretch your miles and get four times as much value or more out of your frequent-flier account by getting out of the coach cabin.

At most major airlines, a domestic upgrade costs 15,000 miles each way, or 30,000 miles round-trip. Several airlines have added $50 fees each way as well. But consider the cost of buying a first-class ticket, and you see the value of the miles.

For a New York-San Diego trip next month, for example, you can find a coach ticket as low as $319 on AMR Corp.’s American Airlines, and the cheapest first-class ticket is $2,029. Use miles to upgrade instead of buying first-class tickets and, even after paying $100 in fees, you get more than five cents for each mile.

International upgrades pay off even more. For a Chicago-Frankfurt trip next month on UAL Corp.’s United Airlines, you can buy a coach ticket as low as $697 or a business-class ticket for $5,624. Instead of paying nearly $5,000 more for the business-class seat, you can spend 60,000 miles for a round-trip upgrade. The cheapest coach fare eligible for that upgrade is $1,001, so you have to spend $304 more on the ticket. But even after factoring that in, the savings you get through miles work out to nearly eight cents per mile.

United will add co-pay fees to its upgrade awards starting July 1. Those fees — which are also levied by other airlines — can be hefty. At American, an upgrade between North America and Europe costs 50,000 miles round-trip — cheaper than United’s price, but you have to pay $700 round-trip in co-payments to upgrade most discounted coach tickets. At Continental Airlines Inc., an upgrade to Europe from the U.S. costs only 40,000 miles round-trip, but the co-payment fees can run as high as $1,000 round-trip. The value you get for the miles can still be strong, however.

The upgrade strategy works particularly well now because premium seats should be more available: Companies have restricted travel expenses and forced more business travelers to ride in the coach cabin, so airlines are selling fewer business-class and first-class seats. That should leave more inventory of upgrade awards.

Still, travelers often complain about the scarcity of available upgrade awards. The best strategy for booking a cushy seat with miles is to be flexible: Travel at off-peak times, perhaps on less-popular flights, and be willing to take connecting flights instead of non-stops.

Getting better value for your miles often requires a significant shift in your travel mindset. Many travelers want as many trips as possible out of their miles and chase as many discounted coach trips as they can squeeze out of their mileage accounts. But since the cost of an upgrade is often about the same as the cost of a coach ticket, or less, many travelers find they can use miles to vastly improve their travel experience. Quality over quantity matters in airline travel.

The lure of comfort is so strong that road warriors with fat frequent-flier accounts try to buy international business-class seats with miles straight-up. Russ Wiley of Colorado Springs, Colo., flew on Delta Air Lines Inc. from Denver to Brussels and back last month for 95,000 miles instead of paying more than $7,000 for the ticket. That’s more than seven cents per mile.

He recently transferred 270,000 points from his American Express Co. credit-card account to Delta, which gives a 30% bonus on such transfers. With those miles he purchased two business-class tickets to Capetown, South Africa, from Denver — tickets that usually cost about $10,000 each — again collecting more than seven cents per American Express point. “It takes a little planning, but if you work at it, it’s not too hard,” said Mr. Wiley. “A little flexibility helps.”

The lure of a business-class seat is so great that some travelers find ways to buy or barter miles from people with more miles than they will likely use, then cash them in for nice awards. Such schemes can attract the wrath of airlines, which usually prohibit the sale of miles, although they do allow people to book award tickets in anyone’s name.

One buyer of miles who asked not to be named for fear American would cancel his account pays about 1.3 cents per mile to “friends” he finds through Internet postings, then uses the miles for business-class tickets between China and the U.S. worth about six cents to nine cents per mile.

“I call it airline miles arbitrage,” he said. The scheme, which produces business-class tickets for coach-ticket prices, does require lots of trust for the seller to book an award for the buyer after receiving payment.

If you’re trying to book awards far in advance, remember that most airlines open booking for seats 330 days before departure. (Upgrades may open up later if premium seats don’t sell.) One tip: A Web site called AwardGrabber.com has policies for different airlines, and can calculate when you need to start trying to book for your specific travel date.

There are also ways to get the most value out of your frequent-flier points even if you do decide to use them for domestic seats. The key is to use your miles for pricey last-minute tickets for funerals, family emergencies or surprise visits, instead of for long-planned vacations. Last-minute tickets can run $1,000 to $2,000 for domestic trips and buying those tickets with 50,000 miles yields better value.

Airlines offer myriad other opportunities to spend miles, though few are a good value. Frequent travelers can buy memberships to airport clubs with miles, for example, but often at prices that convert to less than one cent per mile.

An annual membership at United’s Red Carpet Club costs $500 for non-elite members of its frequent-flier program, or 70,000 miles. For gold-level members of Delta’s SkyMiles program, an annual membership to Crown Room Clubs costs 50,000 miles or $350.

Merchandise and gift cards can be an even worse value for frequent-flier miles. Through Points.com, American, Delta, US Airways and many other airlines offers gift cards and merchandise. But a $50 Best Buy gift card will cost you 13,059 American miles, significantly less than one penny per mile. A $50 FTD.com gift card for sending flowers costs 9,412 AAdvantage miles, a lower price but still not a great deal for your miles.

Yet the low redemption rates are OK with consumers like Carl Gehr of Cincinnati, who prefers to buy his airline tickets so he qualifies for elite status on Delta, which gets him frequent free upgrades and priority status for rebooking when things go wrong. (Tickets bought with miles don’t count toward elite status.) Instead, he uses his miles to give tickets to relatives, pay for his annual Delta Crown Room membership and purchase gifts for family.

“I find it nice to be able to hide the actual cost of a present to my wife, who pays the credit-card bills,” he says. While he knows it’s not the best value, he still considers it “free because I did not pay for the miles.”

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Wringing Value From Rewards — Use frequent-flier miles to upgrade to business class. You’ll get more value per mile than if you go for cheap domestic tickets. — Upgrading on international flights boosts the value even more — even when airline co-pay charges are factored in. — If you do use miles for a domestic coach ticket, do it when you need a pricey last-minute flight.